so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
