I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I skipped work to stalk him.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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