while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
