jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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