It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
