I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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