someone get that fucking seahorse.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
