My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
