Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
