Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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