haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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