my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
