Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
