I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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