Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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