There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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