My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
