Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
