Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
