At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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