ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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