I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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