I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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