your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
