What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
