I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
