Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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