she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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