I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
