I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
we should paint friendship bongs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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