Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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