GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
