I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
