We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
too bad you live with your parents still
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
