Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
