I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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