Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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