mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize