Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
