I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
