You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
