At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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