If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Someone signed my nipple.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
