I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
