It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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