She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
they call him Oral-B. enough said
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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