4 words: hood of his car
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
