She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
