I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
