so that wasnt chicken after all
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
