So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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