i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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