I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
