Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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