I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
